Drowning
by Jistone
Summary: A goofy smile spread across my face, and I looked up at him, still completely shocked but also completely overjoyed. I was going to be a father. JAGAN SLASH AND MPREG
1. Part 1

**A/N: Okay so before I beging there are a few things that I need to cover. First this is SLASH and MPREG. If either of those bother you, you know what to do. If you continue to read after you have been warned that's on you. Any and all flames will be read, disected, and laughed at by both my sister and I. Second I know Mpreg is impossible. I'm 20 years old and took both biology and AP Anatomy in high school. I'm not stupid. However that said, I am female and upon occasion, mostly when I'm PMSing, I like to inflict a little torture upon the male of the species. I mean what girl doesn't? Third, I have never been pregnant and although I have done some research, most of my experience with it comes from watching my mother when she had my siblings and more recently a couple of my coworkers. Fourth what I said about pregnancy? The same is true about hermaphrodites. I have done some research but I don't pretend to know everything. I also modified to concept to fit the story. It wasn't my intention to offend anyone and if I did I appologize. Fifth and finally, the concept of a pregnant hermaphrodite comes from and old Emergency! story called Pregnant! and I belive it is by RB so credit goes to them. So now that being said, I'm going to post this before I lose my nerve.**

I awoke slowly, automatically reaching out to pull Logan closer only to find his side of the bed empty. Sitting up, I searched the room for my missing husband who was nowhere to be found. Faintly, I could hear the sound of vomiting filtering out from the half-closed bathroom door, and I swung my legs out of bed, hurrying towards the sound. Knocking lightly on the doorframe, I gently pushed it open, spying my husband kneeling before the toilet emptying what seemed to be everything he had eaten for the past week into it.

Entering the tiny room, I quickly wet a washcloth, before making my way over to Logan and kneeling behind him rubbing soothing circles on his back. Once he finished paying homage to the porcelain gods, I handed him the washcloth and he leaned back against me with a sigh, smiling his thanks.

"You okay, babe?" I asked him concerned. "That makes five times this week. It's not exactly normal."

"I'm fine, James," he replied sounding tired. "I'm sure it's just the flu and it'll be gone soon."

"I don't know, Logan," I said, "Maybe you should see a doctor."

He shook his vehemently. "I'm fine!" he protested. Despite his previous aspirations of becoming a doctor he absolutely hated visiting them himself.

"Please?" I begged him. "I'm worried about you. If you won't do it for yourself, at least do it for me."

I could feel him giving in and I quickly hid a grin. I knew he couldn't say no to me, and although it was low, I wasn't above using that to my advantage. I could feel guilty about it later.

Reluctantly, he nodded and I stood, helping him to his feet and shuffling him to the bedroom. Placing him gently on the bed, I scurried around the room, looking for clothes and tossing the first clean set I could find in his direction.

"Whoa, James. Slow down. It's only," he glanced at the clock, "six in the morning. I said I'd go, but I didn't mean right now."

"Oh no. No. I know you better than that." I said continuing my search for socks. "If I let you put this off, you'll never go. Ah ha!" I held up a pair of socks in triumph before flinging them at him. "Here, put these on."

He stared at me, unmoving, his mouth slack, on sock on top of his head, the tip resting between his eyes, and the other dangling over his right knee.

Rolling my eyes, I walked over to him, retrieved the socks, and proceeded to try to put them on him myself.

"James. . ." I ignored him. "James. . . James, stop!"

He tried to wrestle his foot away from me. "James. . . Really? James, come on. . . Grrrr. . . James. . . JAMES!"

"What?"

He sighed, "I can do it myself you know."

I sat back and huffed. "Well?" I cocked an eyebrow, waiting. He took the socks from me and put them on grumbling. I handed him his shoes. "These too." He flipped me off but otherwise did as he was told.

"There, happy?"

"Insanely." He just glared at me.

-.-.-.-

Two hours and one very unhappy Logan later found us in the office waiting on the results of the multitude of tests the doctor had insisted on running. Logan sat perched on the table refusing to speak to me, but every few minutes he would glance in my direction, staring at my nervously bouncing knee. I couldn't take it anymore.

"What's taking them so long?" I blurted.

Logan finally turned to look at me fully.

"This is normal, James. These things take time."

"I know," I whined, "but we've been here forever."

"Hey, this was your idea. Remember?"

I winced. Yep, he was still furious with me. I opened my mouth to reply, but I was interrupted by a sudden knock on the door. I jumped, my nervousness increasing tenfold. The doctor entered, his face serious as he studied Logan's chart with a frown. He sat, arranging himself comfortably before he looked up at us. "I don't know how to tell you this. . ." he began.

My heart stopped. I couldn't breathe. I groped for Logan's hand blindly. He grabbed it, squeezing it tightly, terrified. Oh God, no.

"I've never come across anything like this before," the doctor continued on, seemingly unaware of our abject terror. "I'm not even sure how this is possible, but we ran the test three different times with three different samples and three different technicians. We even opened a brand new kit thinking there was a problem with the old one, because this should be impossible, but they all came back the same. . ." He trailed off, realizing he was rambling. I swallowed.

"What is it?" Logan choked out, his voice strangled.

"You're not going to believe this Mr. Diamond-Mitchell, but you're pregnant."

"WHAT?"

Vaguely, I heard Logan protesting, arguing back and forth with the doctor over what was and was not possible.

Pregnant. The word bounced around in my skull. Pregnant. That's all it was, he wasn't dying, he was just pregnant. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe again. Eventually silence enveloped the room, the doctor finally convincing Logan that it was real and he wasn't a few fries short of a happy meal.

Then it hit me. Logan was pregnant. He was having my baby. A goofy smile spread across my face, and I looked up at him, still completely shocked but also completely overjoyed. I was going to be a father.

-.-.-.-

"I really hate you right now."

"No you don't" Logan glared at me as he crouched on the floor of the bathroom at Rocque Records.

"I'm pretty sure I do," he replied before he ducked back over the toilet and heaved for the third time today.

We had only found out about Logan's condition two weeks ago, but the morning sickness was already atrocious. The littlest things kept setting him off. Today it had been the color of the walls of the studio, yesterday it was the carpet, and the day before that it had been the smell of Gustavo's coffee that had sent him diving for the nearest trash can.

The others were all really confused and highly concerned because they didn't have a clue as to what was going on, but we just weren't ready to tell them yet. I mean how do you tell your best friends and your boss that you seemingly very male husband was going to have a baby? I sighed and pulled myself from my thoughts as I took up my now familiar place behind Logan, rubbing his back gently, trying to relieve some of the tension in his muscles.

He leaned back into my touch, groaning in exhaustion.

"Whoever the genius was that decided to call this morning sickness was an idiot," he said finally able to stop throwing up long enough to speak.

"I know," I pressed a kiss to the back of his head, "but it only lasts until the end of the first trimester and your almost there right?"

He nodded but before he could continue the door swung open and Kendall walked in looking upset. "Everything okay?" he asked, his eyes darting back and forth between us, searching our faces for a hint as to why Logan was once again stuck with the Technicolor-yawn.

Logan sighed, "I'm fine," he said.

Kendall didn't look convinced but he reluctantly let the subject drop. "Gustavo wants us back in the studio ASAP," he said, eyes widening as Logan dived back over the toilet dry-heaving at the thought of returning to the studio. "You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," he said once more leaning aback against me. "Or at least I will be in a few months."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kendall asked, his eyebrows disappearing under his hairline in confusion. Logan sighed.

"We don't have to tell them if you don't was to Lo. We don't have to until you're ready," I said sensing his unease. He shook his head and pushed himself to his feet.

"No, it's okay. They're going to find out eventually, might as well get it over with," he turned to Kendall. "I'll tell you, but I don't want to have to explain this more than once, so let's go find the others first." Nervously he reached down to help me up before he turned and led us out of the bathroom, eyes on the floor trying to avoid looking at the walls so they didn't make him sick again.

The trip back to the studio seemed to take a lifetime. I didn't know why I was so nervous, I wasn't the one that was going to have to tell everyone that I was pregnant and in the process reveal a secret that I had been keeping from everyone. I guess I was just worried about how everyone was going to take it. When Logan had told me when we had first gotten together, I had accepted it easily. I had already known that I loved him and not even finding out his deepest, darkest secret was going to change that. The others though I wasn't so sure about. Kendall and Carlos I had no doubts about. They would be shocked but ultimately they wouldn't care. Kelly could go either way, but Gustavo on the other hand… him I worried about.

I glanced over at Logan as we walked hand-in-hand towards our fate. His face looked determined, but when he met my eyes I could tell he was terrified. God, I didn't think we were ready for this, but it was too late now. The studio doors loomed before us and I don't think I had ever seen them look so intimidating. Pausing briefly, I took a deep breath, squeezed Logan's hand, and stepped forward. "Gustavo, Kelly, Carlos, we've got something to tell you."

They tuned to look at us expectantly as Kendall moved to join them. "What's up guys?" Carlos asked sensing how distressed we were, he had always been good at reading us. "Is this about why Logan's been so sick lately? Oh my God you're dying aren't you?" he babbled on freaking out.

"What? No. No, I'm fine. I mean yeah I've been sick, but I won't be for much longer, but no I'm not dying."

Carlos quieted, sniffling slightly, the thought of Logan potentially leaving us driving him close to tears.

"So if you don't have some kind of weird disease, that what is it?"

Logan turned to look at me, and I smiled at him encouragingly.

"Guys," he said, his voice trembling slightly, "I really don't know how to tell you this, because hey, it should be impossible even with what I am, and I can honestly say I can hardly believe it myself…" he trailed off realizing he was rambling. He took a deep breath and plunged head first in the conversation that could change everything. "I'm pregnant."

The room was completely silent, their faces shocked. Logan clung to my hand waiting for the other shoe to drop. Suddenly, Kendall snickered and before long Carlos had joined him in full out laughter. Kendall leaned on Carlos desperately trying to remain standing as he clutched his stomach doubled over.

"That's a good one Logan. You almost had me there for a minute," Carlos said wiping his eyes as he finally managed to control himself.

"Yeah," Kendall agreed. "I needed that. I really did. Now what's really going on…" he cut himself off realizing that we weren't laughing. "You're serious? But…" he looked back and forth between the two of us, searching our faces for any sign that we were kidding. "You're really serious? This isn't some kind of joke. You're really pregnant?"

"No Kendall," I told him. "It's real."

"But how?" Carlos stuttered. "Logan's a guy."

"Yeah, about that…"

Carlos ignored him. "Guys don't get pregnant! It's biologically impossible. Even _I_ know that!"

"Normally that would be completely true, but… uh… you see I'm not exactly, completely… a guy," Logan rubbed the back of his neck, face bright red.

"What? You can't tell me you're not a guy Logan. I've seen you naked… more than once. You're most definitely a dude!"

"Yes, Kendall, I remember out hockey days, but I promise you I'm not what I look like."

"So what are you then? Some kind of deformed girl?" I winced and glared over a Gustavo who had finally seemed to have overcome his speechlessness and had spoken up. Logan rubbed his thumb over my knuckles soothingly before he answered him.

"No, I'm not a girl."

"So if you're not a girl and you're not a guy then what are you?" Kelly asked and I could see the wheels turning in her head as she tried to work out the answer. Unfortunately, I could also tell that Carlos was thinking as well and as I watched the thoughts flicker behind his eyes, I wanted to groan. He was going to come up with some completely ludicrous idea and the bad thing was, once he decided it was the truth it would be almost impossible to change his mind.

"You're an alien!" he exclaimed excitedly. "That's so cool. What planet are you from. Do you have any cool super powers? Is James an alien too?"

This time I did groan. Leave it to Carlos to come up with the craziest idea possible. At least it was amusing though, and successfully broke the tension that had been building in the room.

"What? No!" Logan stuttered out laughing. "Neither James nor I are aliens. How do you even… Never mind you know what I don't really want to know. No, I'm completely human; I'm just not a normal human. I'm a hermaphrodite."

"WHAT?"

"Huh?"

"English please, Logan." Kendall, Carlos, and Gustavo all managed to say simultaneously as the proverbial light bulb went off in Kelly's head.

"It means that although I look like a guy physically, behind all that I have… _girl _parts too," Logan's face now looked like a tomato. The guys faces were comical as their brains tried to take in and process the information they had been given. I kind of felt sorry for them. I remembered being on the receiving end of this conversation not that long ago and I could only imagine what my face had looked like at the time. It almost made me want to laugh honestly, and if the situation hadn't been so serious I might have.

"Wait, so you're saying you actually have a…"

"Yes Carlos!" I cut him off before he could actually say the word, trying to save Logan's dignity as much as possible. Plus I really didn't like other guys thinking about my husband's anatomy.

"So," Kendall shuffled awkwardly, "You're really having a baby?"

"Yeah," Logan smiled and placed his free hand over his still flat stomach. I placed my hand over his interlocking our fingers as Kelly squealed and pulled us both into hugs.

"Congratulations," she whispered smiling from ear to ear.

Kendall and Carlos were next. Now that they were convinced that no one was going to jump out at them with a camera yelling "Surprise!" they were happy for us just like I'd expected. As they stepped back, we all turned to Gustavo waiting for him to say something, anything.

"Dogs," he began but as Kelly raised a hand threateningly, he swallowed and muttered, "Congratulations."

"Thanks." I could tell he wasn't exactly happy, he had never really been completely comfortable with our relationship, but at least he wasn't screaming.

"So," Carlos rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, "do you have a period?"

"CARLOS!"

"What? It was just a question."

Logan buried his face into my chest, his face once more a bright, cherry red.

"I really need new friends."

**A/N: So first chapter is done. I'm not sure whent the second and probably final chapter will be up as my schedule is kind of hectic but hopefully it will be soon. **


	2. Part 2

**A/N: Ok, so I lied. There's going to be one more chapter after this one. That is if anyone's still reading this after what I've done. That being said I'm not really happy with how this part came out. It didn't seem to flow as well as Part 1 did and I really struggled with it, however someone, and you know who you are, kept bugging me about getting this written so here it is. Oh and Jonathan if you're reading this I would really love to know what you think of it, I can't get much out of Brandi. Just don't ruin it for everyone else in the process.**

"JAMES!"

I sat up gasping at Logan's frantic call, eyes immediately searching the room for him before relaxing when I caught sight of him standing in the doorway, a messy stack of newspapers and magazines clasped in his arms.

"James, have you seen these?" he asked me dropping the pile onto my lap. "These people are nuts!"

"What is it?" I asked groggily, my mind not quite function yet.

"It's the responses to the press release yesterday," he replied giving me a look that practically screamed 'duh'.

"Oh." Yesterday had been an interesting day to say the least. We had decided that it probably would have been best to make the announcement about the baby public ourselves before some tabloid got a hold of the story and turned it into something it wasn't. Not that it stopped them apparently as I caught sight of one of the many headlines.

"What in the world is a…. How do you even pronounce that?" I asked scanning the article half bewildered half amused.

"I don't know," he replied. "And that's one of the mild ones. This one makes me out to be some kind of freak of nature," he dug one of the magazines out of the pile and handed it to me before he dove back in for another one. "And this one claims that we're a couple of Martians from the Lost City of Atlantis which is apparently on the planet Pluto. Pluto's not even a planet Jamie!" he half screamed, gesticulating wildly as he paced back and forth.

"Hey! Hey," I said leaping out of bed to wrap my arms around him from behind, my hand going to rest on his slightly protruding stomach. "Calm down. These are just tabloids. You know they never get anything right."

He signed before turning in my arms to bury his face into my chest. "I know," he said, "but it's not just the tabloids. Most of the newspapers and major news stations just went through the interview and inserted a couple of public opinion pieces. Some of them though…" he trailed off. "Some of them got pretty nasty. It's the same ones from when we came out, and I don't know if I can do this again James. I don't know if I can walk down this road and still keep my sanity."

"Hey, it's going to be okay," I said tightening my arms around him. "We'll get through this together, just like last time. It'll die down in a few weeks and everything will go back to normal. You'll see."

"I hope you're right James."

I was. After a few months, the chaos had all but disappeared. Occasionally, some kind of weird article would pop up or a fan would approach us wanting to discover the truth for themselves, but for the most part we were able to go about our lives normally, or what resembled normal for us anyway.

Seven months into the pregnancy and things were going pretty smoothly. We had found out a few weeks ago that we were having a girl and I couldn't be happier. I was already envisioning long hours spend teaching her about perfect hair and clothes but on the flip side, I was also envisioning the nightmare that was going to be first boyfriends and the amount of threatening I was going to have to do. If our daughter came out looking anything like either Logan or I, we were going to beating them off with a stick. Or maybe I would just ask Carlos for a bazooka. I'm sure he could get one for me. The guy knew some strange people.

God, between Logan and I we were going to have one gorgeous kid. I mean I wasn't known as the pretty one for nothing, and Logan wasn't exactly a troll either… Yep, definitely investing in a bazooka. She wasn't going to be allowed to date until she was forty.

I was suddenly pulled from my thoughts when Logan gasped from his place beside me. "James," he said, "give me your hand." He pulled on my wrist, placing my hand palm down on his steadily growing stomach. At first nothing happened and I couldn't help but be disappointed. Logan had been able to feel the baby move for a while now, but every time I tried she seemed to go to sleep. Then I felt it, a tiny push against my hand as she kicked again, quite hard apparently as Logan winced.

"She's going to be one strong little kid," he muttered as he shifted to find a more comfortable position. "Ow!"

"Hey now," I said leaning down so I was speaking to his belly. "Stop that. You're hurting papa." A large smile broke out across my face as I felt her move, gently pushing against my hand as if in response to my words.

Logan relaxed, his free hand going to thread through my hair as I rested my head on his stomach, still murmuring softly to our daughter. Slowly, I felt her movements still as she gradually fell back asleep. Reluctantly, I sat up and threw my arm around Logan's shoulders, as he leaned against me tiredly. This was taking a lot out of him and he was sleeping more and more as the days went by, but I didn't mind. It gave me an excuse to hold him and watch him sleep, something that had always been a favorite pass time of mine, even before we got together. He looked so peaceful while he slept, the stress that he carried around with him during the day melted away.

He was so beautiful like this, brown hair tousled and his brow unmarred by the thoughts that constantly plagued him. His large rounded belly, swelled with my child, just added to his beauty in my opinion, and this right here, this moment in time, Logan asleep in my arms, our daughter pressed against my side, I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. As I drifted off to sleep, my head resting against Logan's, I couldn't help but think that my life was perfect. I had fame and fortune, and I had the best man in the entire universe to call my own with a gorgeous little girl on the way. Nope, life couldn't get any better than this.

-.-.-.-

Lightening pierced the darkness, illuminating the room briefly as I ran around frantically throwing things I thought Logan might need into a bag and generally just freaking out. He stood leaning against the wall by the door watching as I continued on my destructive trek, amused. How he was so calm I would never know. If it had been me I would be going out of my mind, much like I was now. I was never one to tolerate pain very well and watching as Logan winced his way through another contraction I was extremely grateful I wasn't the one in his position. None-the-less I was panicking enough for the both of us, especially when I passed one of the hall mirrors and caught sight of the state of my hair. "Oh my God," I whispered. "I've got to fix my hair." I stared in horror at my reflection until Logan's voice broke me out of my thoughts.

"Go ahead," he said. "It's not like we're in a hurry or anything."

"Right," I shook myself out of it, pushing the thought to the back of my mind. "No time. No time. No time." I muttered resuming my frantic rushing.

"No seriously. I'm fine. Take your time."

I ignored him. "Did you call Kendall and Carlos?" I asked.

"Yes," he said, "They're going to meet us at the hospital."

"Good, good." I finally decided that I had anything he could possibly want stuffed haphazardly into the bag, and turned to usher him out the door. My hands shook as I reached for his arm, but he shook me off instead grabbing my shoulders and forcing me to slow down.

"James, take a deep breath and calm down. We've got time. There's no need panic, now breathe."

I did as I was told and slowly I felt the hysteria bleed away. I smiled down at him, grateful for his intervention before I passed out. I don't know what I would have done without him. He had always been my rock, calming me down when I got a little carried away, and talking me out of stupid things. Without him I was nothing, and a part of me was still awed at the fact that he was mine.

I cringed as his grip on my shoulders tightened, another contraction washing over his body. Suddenly I remembered where I was and what was happening at that moment and I took one more deep breath, blowing it out slowly, before I removed his hands from where they had a death-grip on my body and led him out the door and towards the elevators. It was time for our daughter to join the world and she waited for no one.

-.-.-.-

The elevator seemed to take forever to descend between the two floors and I cursed silently as I waited impatiently for it to come to a stop. The loud grinding noise that accompanied our sudden stop however, was not what I expected. The lights flickered once, twice, and then went out, plunging us into darkness before the eerie green glow of the emergency lighting kicked on. We were stuck. Great.

I watched as Logan reached for the emergency phone, explaining the situation to Bitters when he finally got around to answering the call. "Looks like we might be here a while," he said sinking down to sit leaning against the wall. "Bitters said the storm knocked out the power in the entire building and he doesn't know when they'll be able to get us out."

Fantastic. I paced the length of the car, panic once more bubbling up in my chest. I was restless, full of nervous energy, and I couldn't seem to sit still. Logan's eyes were trained on me, darting back and forth following my movements. Occasionally he would groan, his hand griping his thigh as a contraction hit, but beyond that he was still.

"How can you be so calm?" I asked turning to stand before him.

He shrugged. "I just am," he said. "I know everything's going to work out in the end, and I have faith in that." He patted the place beside him. "Come here."

He pulled me into his arms as I sat, murmuring into my hair. "Everything will be fine. We'll get through this together like always."

Two hours later, and we were still stuck in this stupid elevator. Logan had taken to holding my hand in a vice grip as the contractions got stronger and closer together.

"I don't think we can wait much longer, Jamie," he said hissing in pain. "I'm going to have to do this naturally."

"What? No, the doctor said it was too dangerous. You're supposed to be having a C-Section."

"I know, but I don't think we have much choice. She's coming. NOW!" he grabbed hold of my shirt and pulled me so that my face was inches from his.

"But Logan, this isn't really the best time…"

"Don't tell me, tell her!" he screamed through the contraction, panting as it dissipated. "You're going to have to help me, I can't do it alone."

He released my shirt. I fell backwards onto the floor laughing hysterically. "This isn't happening. This isn't real."

"James! Foucs!" He lightly slapped my face effectively snapping me out of it.

I shook my head. "Right. What do I do?"

Calmly, he coached me through the process, and before I knew it our daughter was sliding into my hands. Tears formed in my eyes as I gently placed her on Logan's chest.

"God, Logan, she's just as beautiful as I expected her to be."

Logan nodded, running his hand through the messy mop of brown hair. She was a perfect mix of both Logan and I, but when her eyes fluttered open I fell in love all over again. She had Logan's eyes.

"What are we going to name her?" he asked.

"How about Larissa?"

"Hmm… Larissa Jade Diamond. I like it," he said leaning up against me exhausted. "I'm so tired Jamie."

For the first time I noticed how weak his voice was and the pale color of his skin. In my excitement I had failed to notice the growing puddle of blood as he slowly continued to bleed.

"Logan?" I questioned, my voice shaking. "Logan, you're still bleeding. That's not normal is it?"

"No, but there's not really a whole lot we can do about it right now. This is what the doctor was afraid of; my body's just not made for this kind of thing, even with me being what I am… James I'm afraid."

I closed my eyes, trying desperately to hold back my tears as I held him closer to my body trying to silently reassure the both of us that everything would be okay. God, I hoped we got out of this elevator soon. For both of our sakes.

I don't know how long we sat there in silence, Logan slowly fading away from me with each ticking second, but finally the elevator lurched and once more began its descent. As the doors opened, paramedics rushed in tearing Logan away from my side and placing him on a stretcher.

"Sir?" one of them placed their hand on my shoulder as I sat in shock, covered in Logan's blood. I looked up at them expressionless, clutching Larissa to my chest. Quietly I stood and moved so that I was once more by Logan's side as he was wheeled out of the building and towards the awaiting ambulance.

-.-.-.-

I clutched Logan's hand as he was rushed immediately into the emergency room upon arrival at the very hospital we had gotten the news of Larissa's impending birth. I didn't want to let him go, terrified that this was the last time I would see him alive, but his hand was ripped from mine as I was forced out of the room, and Larissa was taken from me. I stood in the hallway, lost and forgotten. Vaguely, I could hear the doctors and nurses shouting in the room behind me as they tried desperately to save his life. I could just make out the words but they meant nothing to me, being nothing more than medical jargon that I couldn't understand.

There had been so much blood. I ran my hands through my hair, no longer caring what it looked like. As long as Logan was alright, nothing else mattered. I paced the hallway, tears blurring my vision as I waited, hoping, praying, that it wasn't as bad as it seemed. I didn't know what I was going to do if he left me. I felt empty without him and didn't think I would survive.

"Mr. Diamond?" my head whipped around in the direction of the voice that had managed to penetrate my thoughts. My eyes narrowed in on the doctor as he stood in Logan's doorway. The look on his face said it all, and my world crumbled.

"No, God, please no."

"I'm so sorry," he said. "By the time he got here, there wasn't much we could do. He lost too much blood."

I collapsed to the floor, numb. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare, because this couldn't be anything else. Nothing else was possible, nothing else made sense. There was just no way Logan was gone. My thoughts spun out of control as the doctor left me to my misery.

Sometime later, I dragged myself to my feet and staggered towards the waiting room where I knew Kendall and Carlos would be. I was still numb and a large part of me was in denial but I couldn't sit in that hallway forever. Not when it was so close to where Logan lay, still and unmoving. As soon as I exited the doors they approached me huge smiles on their faces, expecting good news, but what I had to tell them was anything but.

"James?" Carlos asked his smile fading as he took me in. I must have looked awful, my hair messy, my shirt covered in blood, and my face red and blotchy from crying. "James, what happened? Is it the baby?"

I shook my head, unable to speak as I choked back another sob.

"James, come on dude, you're scaring me," Kendall reached out to touch my shoulder and I flinched.

"The... the baby's fine," I managed to force out past the lump in my throat. "It… it's Logan." I paused squeezing my eyes shut. "Guys… Logan didn't make it."

It was like someone had opened the flood gates and I shook with the force of my sobs as I was no longer able to hold back my tears.

Carlos stood before me for a few seconds, eyes wide and face drained of color before he pulled me into his arms rocking me slightly. Distantly I felt Kendall wrap himself around my back, and between the two of them they held me as all three of us cried.


	3. Part 3

**A/N: I know it's been forever since this has been updated. I seem to have had the worst luck over the past few months with everything from finals, to the hard drive on my computer crashing, and tornados, but it's done now. And this time I really mean it. This is the last chapter of Drowning and I really hope it doesn't suck too badly. I'm probably going to do a few oneshots set in this universe it anyone's interested, as I still have a few ideas, that I had meant to incorporate into this chapter but never did, but it'll have to be sometime after I get back from vacation. I leave on Thursday for Florida to go see BTR at Universal Studios. I can't wait.**

**Just one more thing before I leave you guys alone to read this. I just want to thank everyone who's reviewed, alerted, or favorited this story. When I started this I took a chance, and honestly I didn't think anyone was going to read this, but I've gotten an overwhelming response for it so thank you. And now onto:**

**Drowning: Part 3**

A gentle breeze blew softly in through the open window, carrying with it the familiar scent of peppermint and vanilla that never failed to bring a smile to my face. Slowly, I turned and there he was, smiling gently as he held a hand out to me. There was no need for words, I simply pulled him into my arms and held on tightly. Tenderly, he wiped a few tears from my face, holding me close, and whispering soothingly into my ear as I sobbed into his chest. "Oh, James," he said pulling me impossibly closer. "Shh... It's okay. I'm here."

We stood there for what seemed like an eternity as my anguish slowly dwindled and my world righted itself upon its axis. I didn't know how he was here, nor did I care, but as long as I had him in my arms, I was never letting go. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I was whole again. I had Logan with me, right where he belonged, and the debilitating pain of losing him was slowly disappearing.

Suddenly, however, he was stepping back out of my arms, flashing me a sympathetic smile as the scene around us changed. The eerie green glow of emergency lighting replaced the once cheerful sunlight that had been filtering throughout the room and four metal walls sprang up around us. I had been transported back to the one place I never wanted to see again, yet was forced to visit every night in my dreams. I was trapped, stuck watching my nightmare play out in front of me. I watched in mounting horror as a puddle of blood rapidly formed beneath him. His mouth open and closed silently as he reached out to me, his eyes desperate.

I knew what would happen next, the events now familiar despite my extreme reluctance to relive it. I would stand frozen as Logan would fade until suddenly he would be gone and I would be left to awake to the cold, harsh reality that was now my life.

"James," a new voice penetrated my thoughts. Huh? "James," That was new. I looked to Logan, but he remained silent, staring at me with the same haunted look he had worn the night he died. "James! James, wake up!"

I awoke with a start, my heart pounding as I took in my surroundings. Kendall stood over me holding a screaming Larissa, one hand on my shoulder as he shook me. "James, I can't get her to stop crying," Kendall said slightly hysterical. "I didn't want to wake you, but I didn't know what else to do. I've tried everything."

My heart continued to pound as I laid there, Kendall's words barely registering, and the remnants of my dream lingering in my mind. As reality slowly set in, my slowly mending heart shattered all over again, and in that moment one thing was clear to me, clearer than anything had ever been in my entire life. I hated my daughter. _She _was the reason Logan was gone and I was left a broken mess, desperately trying to pick up the pieces and sew myself back together. It was _her_ fault. _She_ took him from me and, in my eyes that was unforgivable.

I glared up at her, hatred burning in my heart.

"James?" Kendall questioned clutching the little murder to his chest. "James, what's wrong?" He seemed puzzled about the hostility in my gaze, seemingly not understanding that the creature in his arms was a monster. A monster that needed to be exterminated.

The fire within my chest roared and grew brighter, as Larissa screamed louder and the hatred in my heart continued to fester. I resolutely ignored the voice in the back of my mind that whispered that this was wrong, that this wasn't what I really wanted. It insisted that I didn't really hate her and that deep down I knew that she was innocent. The voice sounded oddly like Logan, my conscience even in death as he was in life, but I was too far gone to listen.

I reached out to her, all but snatching her from Kendall's hands, and held her before me, my face hard. I wanted nothing more than to lash out and extinguish the life that I had helped to create, but just as I moved to do so, an image appeared behind her and I froze.

No! It wasn't possible and yet there he was. _Logan_. The look on his face was one of such disappointment that I cringed. I had only seen that look on his face once before, right after I had kissed Camille all those years ago and I had sworn then and there that I would never cause him to look at me like that ever again, but I had failed in that endeavor and it nearly killed me.

My face softened as he shook his head at me, silently begging me to reconsider and weigh the consequences of my actions. Then what I had almost done hit me like a ton of bricks, my eyes widening in horror. Quickly I brought Larissa to my chest, rocking her gently as tears sprung to my eyes and I clung to her tightly. Logan rewarded me with a crooked smile, the fire that had ravaged my heart and caused my insanity flickered and died. God, I had almost done the unthinkable and if it hadn't been for Logan, I had no doubt in my mind that I would have gone through with it. He had saved me just like always. He smiled at me one more time before his image faded and disappeared.

My attention turned to Larissa, an overwhelming sense of love filling my entire being. "Shh..." I shushed her, "Baby, please don't cry." I continued to rock her gently as her cries turned to whimpers and gradually stopped altogether. And in that moment, I loved my daughter and I knew that no matter what I may have previously felt, that would never change.

"It's amazing isn't it?" Kendall spoke quietly. "Holding your child and realizing that you had a hand in creating something so beautiful."

I jumped in surprise. I had been so preoccupied with my inner turmoil that I had completely forgotten that Kendall had even been in the room.

"It is," I said acknowledging his words before I let the silence envelope the room once more. "Kendall?" My voice was small, barely above a whisper, but Kendall heard me anyway and paused halfway to the door.

"I wanted to hate her you know. I really did. But I can't."

"I know, James. It does get better though. It'll take time, but it does get better, I promise."

"Kendall?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks."

He smiled before gently closing the door behind him leaving me in silence once more.

Slowly, I stood and placed Larissa in the previously unused bassinet at the end of my bed. Tomorrow I would go home, I decided. I couldn't intrude upon Kendall and Jo's hospitality anymore. They had their own son to worry about. They didn't need me and my problems to add to their already hectic lives. It was time for me to step up and take over my responsibilities as a father. I had already been here for a week and honestly that was a week too long. Losing Logan still hurt, it probably always would, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to face our apartment alone, but I needed to begin picking up the pieces and return to some semblance of normalcy. I couldn't rely on my friends forever. Kendall and Jo had been great, and I knew that Carlos and Brandi would have let me stay with them in a heartbeat if I had asked, but it was time. Tomorrow I would begin a new chapter in my life, and with that thought, I let sleep over take me, and for once it was dream free.

-.-.-.-.

"You ready to go?" Carlos asked as I took one last look around the room that I had been staying in. He and his wife lived in the same apartment complex as Logan and I did and since I didn't have my car with me, he had offered to give me a ride home. I nodded and followed him to his car. The years had been good to him, I noted as he chattered on incessantly as he often did. He was still just as full of energy as he had always been and it made me smile. Some things would never change I guess.

I was pulled from my thoughts as our short trip came to an end. I was nervous, but this was something that I needed to do. I took a deep breath, before gathering up Larissa and heading towards my new life, but that all came to a screeching halt as I came face to face with the elevator that had began it all.

As the doors opened I stood frozen suddenly no longer in the present, but somewhere in the past. Someone had cleaned up the blood, my fuzzy brain noted as I was forced to relive that night once more. It was all so real, I could almost smell the awful coppery scent of blood in the air, hear the sounds of Logan's breathing getting shallower as time passed. I couldn't do this. Not again. I was breaking.

"James? What's… Oh. Hey, come on dude. We can take the stairs."

Distantly I felt Carlos's hand on my arm, guiding me away from that awful metal death trap, but my eyes lingered there until it was out of my sight. I shuddered. I didn't think I'd ever be able to step foot in that elevator ever again. Or any elevator for that matter. I was doomed to take the stairs for the rest of my life.

My apartment was exactly the way that I had left it. The majority of the living room was still neat and tidy, just the way Logan liked, but bits and pieces of it were scattered here and there, evidence of my frantic packing from what seemed like an eternity ago.

In some ways it was good to be home, but in others I didn't really think I was ready to be here. Everywhere I looked were little reminders that Logan had once lived here. One of his jackets was thrown across the back of a chair and one of his pairs of shoes rested by the door, never to be used again. My heart ached, a deep pain that seemed to constantly be a part of my being now that he was gone. Vaguely I remember Carlos speaking to me before he left, but I honestly had no clue as to what he had said, my mind in a haze.

I wandered the apartment, wiping off the thin layer of dust that had accumulated in my absence and just generally straightening up, but I refused to touch Logan's things. Maybe if I left them where they were I could pretend for just a little bit longer that he was still here. I was still half living in denial and a large part of me kind of expected him to walk through the door at any moment.

The rest of my day was spent in this manner, and before I knew it night was upon me. Larissa was already asleep when I crept into her room and took my place by her bed where I had decided I was going to spend the night, the prospect of attempting to sleep in the bed that I had once shared with Logan extremely unappealing. As I sat there watching my daughter slumber peacefully, I couldn't help but let my thoughts wander back to last night. What exactly was it that I had seen? It had looked like Logan, but that was impossible. Logan was dead as much as I didn't want to face that little fact, and I didn't exactly believe in ghosts. Was his image just something that my mind had conjured to prevent me from doing something that I would later come to regret?

I knew that he had to have been a hallucination. There was no other possible explanation, but the question was why was I experiencing these hallucinations. Since I had been home, I had seen what appeared to have been Logan's ghost no less than 10 times. Was it a combination of grief and exhaustion that had driven me to this point, or had Logan's death finally sent me over the edge? I didn't think I was insane. Other than these strange images that seemed to follow me around everywhere I went, and the crushing pain I felt every time I would catch sight of Logan out of the corner of my eye, everything seemed to be normal, or what normal had come to be for me lately anyway. I didn't really know what to think, but the last thought in my mind as I drifted off to sleep was that I really hoped that I wasn't going crazy. It most definitely couldn't have been good for my complexion.

-.-.-.-

Five days later and I was still hallucinating. If I hadn't been insane before, I definitely was now. Everywhere I turned Logan was there. He seemed to be trying to speak to me, but I had no idea what he was trying to say. Kendall and Carlos were beginning to worry about me. I was a shadow of my former self. I hadn't showered in three days, my hair messy and unkempt, my face unshaved. I was merely going through the motions, just enough to keep myself alive, nothing more, nothing less. Larissa always had the best of care though. I would never neglect her, no matter how much I may have been neglecting myself.

Currently, I was pacing the length of my living room, desperately trying to ignore Logan, who was standing in the corner, mouth moving silently. He looked as frustrated as I felt. Finally, he seemed to give up and throwing his hands up in the air, he disappeared. I continued to pace. This had pretty much become routine for me. I would get up in the morning, attend to Larissa, and then pace my living room attempting to ignore everything around me, until Logan's image would disappear or Larissa would need my attention once more.

Kendall and Carlos sat quietly on the couch watching me move back and forth, muttering to myself, but as Logan's image reappeared in front of me I found myself getting angry. This wasn't fair. Why was this happening to me? Hadn't I already been through enough? At first, I wasn't sure who I was angry with. Myself? Kendall? Carlos? God? But then it hit me. It was Logan. I was beyond pissed at Logan. He was the one that had left me to deal with all this alone.

"Why?" I found myself yelling at his image, and after that the dam just seemed to break. I found myself screaming out everything that I had felt since the night that he had died, tears pouring down my face. "Why did you have to go and die? I can't do this on my own. You always told me that we would do this together, but you lied. You're not here like you promised you would be. I can't raise a child on my own. I feel like I've been pushed head first into the ocean, and no matter how hard I kick towards the surface, I can't seem to move. I keep sinking deeper and deeper, getting farther and farther away from the light. Logan! Help me! I'm drowning, Logan! I can't do this on my own!" I sunk to my knees, the past week finally catching up to me, all of my energy suddenly sapped from my body. Logan's image continued to stand in front of me, crying now, mouth moving rapidly, and then suddenly I heard his voice.

"James," he said, the sound of his sweet voice washing over me, soothing my soul, and erasing the remaining anger that lingered there. Behind me Kendall and Carlos gasped, catching sight of Logan for the first time.

"Is that?" one of them began before the other picked up the thought.

"Logan? It can't be. It's impossible."

Logan moved towards me, ignoring them for the moment. I flinched as he reached out to touch me not really sure what to expect. His hand was cold, lacking his usual warmth, but it was solid, and I began to sob. He was here. I didn't know how I knew, but I was 100 percent certain this wasn't a dream. He was really here.

"Shh… James, please don't cry." He drew me into his arms and let me cry into his chest for a moment before he pulled away.

"I'm so sorry, James," he whispered. "I wish things could have turned out differently, but you should know that I'm not going anywhere. You may not always be able to see me, but I'm always here, I promise. Whenever you need me all you have to do is call, that goes for you two as well," he said turning to Kendall and Carlos for the first time.

"Logan?" Kendall moved closer to us a bewildered look on his face before it turned to one of pure shock as he realized that his eyes weren't just playing tricks on him. "How?"

"Have you ever heard of a brotherhood bond?" Logan asked.

Unsurprisingly it was Carlos who spoke up. Kendall, Logan, and I had never really been into the whole paranormal thing, but it was a subject that had always fascinated Carlos, and if anyone would have known what Logan was asking about, it would have been him.

"It's really rare," he said. "A brotherhood bond only occurs when brothers share a bond that goes deeper than just friendship. It connects them on a level that reaches deep into the soul. It can't be severed, even by death. You mean to tell me that we share a bond of brotherhood?"

"Yep."

"So what does all of that mean?" I asked, still not really grasping what was going on. My mind was still reveling in the fact that Logan was really here with me and couldn't really comprehend much else.

"It means that even if one of us dies, he'll come back as a ghost, because he can't move on until all of us do." Carlos explained.

"It means you're stuck with me for a little while longer, Jamie. Think you can live with that?"

"I most definitely can," I replied, a giant smile breaking out across my face for the first time in days. Logan hugged me once more, caressing my face.

"Jamie," he said. "I've got to go now. It takes a lot of energy to manifest like this and even more to speak. I'm almost out of time."

I whined and held him closer never wanting to let him go, but I could already feel his body beginning to fade. Where once his hands had been solid, they now went straight through my body, leaving behind a strange, cold feeling.

"Please don't go."

"I'm sorry, but I have to. Just remember, I'm never truly gone. I'll always be here whenever you need me, okay." He kissed me lightly before he faded completely.

"I love you, James." His voice echoed throughout the room, the last thing to go before he was completely gone, but it was like a sudden change had come over me. Where once I had felt empty and alone, I could now feel a new warmth that seemed to radiate out of everywhere and yet nowhere at the same time. I could feel his presence now, and somehow I knew everything would be alright. It wouldn't be easy, but I would survive because with Kendall and Carlos by my side, and Logan with me in spirit, I would be able to reach the surface, break through and take that first refreshing breath of air. With them by my side, I was no longer drowning.


End file.
